Adventure #8-Journey to Wholeness
Journey to Wholeness-Start with What You Know
Many moons ago now, we as missionaries in Ecuador, had just experienced the burning of one of our partially built churches by opposing forces. In the aftermath when we were trying to make sense out of a senseless act of vandalism and figure out what came next, one of the ladies was fond of saying, "In the darkness, remember what you knew or learned in the light." At the time I found her advice very unhelpful and almost meaningless. Now her words return to me and I find that they are applicable to my current situation.
Mark's sister and husband just left after a week's visit. The family gathered at my house for a pleasant day of visiting and bbq'd steak and shrimp. We had a lovely time and they got to see a lot of western Washington. They spent a day exploring the coast as far south as Seaside, Oregon. I joined them for a drive around the 101 loop stopping in Forks at the vampire museum, in Quinault at the largest spruce tree, and on top of the world at Hurricane Ridge. On the way home we ate a delicious supper beside the Hood Canal. Another day we drove around Mt. Rainier and up the Paradise Side. (The scenic pictures I took aren't on this computer)
Now they are off exploring Yellowstone and Tetons National Parks while I begin to pick up the threads of my ordinary life again. I have been wandering around in this apathetic fog since April with only momentary patches of clearing skies. I have had little enthusiasm for anything. I thought I would return from my vacation refreshed and ready to figure out what happens next for me. The refreshment was short lived and the fog descended again.
Today I reached the end of my endurance. I said, "I have to do something to move myself forward. I refuse to be stuck in this swirling fog forever." So I determined I would return to getting one meaningful thing done a day. Something that I found extremely helpful in the initial days of grief when everything seemed like an insurmountable mountain to climb. Except this time, I decided I would do two things. One of them would be to spend 1-2 hours outside slowly tackling the outdoor projects that need doing. The second thing would be decided on a daily basis.
Since it is Sunday, normally I would be in church but not today. My body and mind needed a day of rest, a day to make some decisions. So I wrote, working on my blog. Writing always helps me bring clarity to my situation. Then as the sun was lowering in the sky, I spent a couple of hours weeding my rose and rescue gardens. A task that I had really wanted to accomplish before Mary Ellen and Doug's visit. They graciously enjoyed my flowers while sitting on the deck and ignored all the weeds.
I didn't ask myself if I felt like weeding. I just did it. About an hour into the two, I began to feel a bit better, By the time I had finished, my thinking had cleared, the restlessness had evaporated and I felt a peace that has eluded me for weeks now. So I am back to attempting to work outside everyday having experienced once again the benefits of having my hands in the dirt, breathing in the sun drenched air and listening to the birdsong. It isn't a matter if I feel like doing it, I just need to do it.
This spring I needed a break from gardening while I figured out if it was something that I wanted in my new life. The only way for me to know that was to stop doing it as much as possible for awhile. Have I gardened all these years because that was what was expected of me? Or do I enjoy it enough to continue doing it now that I have the option to stop? Today as I pulled weeds, I became aware that I had decided without even realizing it. Over time I had slowly come to the conclusion that I did want to garden. Although I much prefer flowers to vegetables, I am not ready quite yet to give up the vegetable garden. I just need to make it a bit more manageable somehow.
My daughter got my flowers through the epic heat wave even though time was limited as she studied for her three finals. Today my hanging baskets screamed at me, "If you don't water us now, we will die." I feel bad that my watering has been so sporadic of late. And even though I watered them twice today, I am not sure that some of them will survive.
There is much talk about mental health these days. How that is achieved is different for everyone. For me it means returning to the things that I know are helpful along this journey of discovery. It means making them a part of my routine, that they are not optional if I feel like doing them. They are a necessary part of my life right now and maybe for always.
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