Adventure One-Birthday Party
Adventure #1-The 63rd Birthday Party
I have spent the bulk of my life doing for others. In many areas of my life, I am not very good at doing for myself. For the past few years, I have been finding my voice. Not a musical one but a voice that is able to express my needs, and wants and desires. A voice that integrates the needs of others with my own. A voice that advocates for myself and understands that being last or silent is not always a virtue.
As with most things in life it is a delicate balance between becoming too self-centered and selfish and doing what others want, pretending that it doesn't matter when it does. It is a balance between advocating for your own needs and sacrificing them so the needs of someone else may be met. I hope I am maturing and becoming more skilled at achieving this balance. However I do know that in the learning, the pendulum has swung wildly from one extreme to the other. One moment not caring what anyone thinks and just doing; the next contrite and subservient pushing down all thoughts of me and what I want.
As already stated in the prologue, the overnight outing planned for my 63rd birthday was cancelled just days before my birthday. The result was a bad day of wallowing in self-pity and discouragement. My mind immediately jumped to other occasions that are often marked with celebrations: twenty-fifth or fortieth wedding anniversaries, or fortieth or fiftieth birthdays. There had been some talk along the way but none of it materialized; no surprise parties to mark the occasions. Woe is me!!!
Lying awake in the middle of the night because I had indulged in a huge dish of caffeine ladened chocolate ice cream earlier in the evening, I had the brilliant idea, I will give myself a party. It started out with a few friends that rapidly grew into inviting the whole church as I didn't want anyone to feel left out. I am the pastor's wife after all and didn't want to create a situation by playing favorites. As I tossed and turned, I thought about the food, and decorations, and other party details. Finally sleep claimed my weary body.
In the morning with the increasing spread of the coronavirus and a husband with a suppressed immune system, I knew deep down that the party was not going to happen. It took me a couple of days however to admit it to myself and to move on to plan B. I asked myself, "What do I value?" "What would make me happy on my birthday?" The answer actually was very simple: being with family. As my daughter is the only one living close by that meant planning something with her, her husband and two children. And so we set a date for a family luncheon.
I ignored the twinge of self-pity that I was planning my own party and set about organizing the things that I wanted. I bought two mixes: a GF cupcake one and a brownie one, my granddaughter's favorite. I called my daughter and we arranged a time for me to cook with Kitty. Packing my supplies as my daughter doesn't bake much, I drove into town. Kitty and I and llama with her paper towel apron neatly tucked around her, cracked eggs, measured oil, and mixed. Before long the tantalizing smell of baking cupcakes filled the kitchen followed by that of brownie cupcakes. Her invention, brownie mix in pretty cupcake liners, and her all time favorite thing to cook.
By the time the cupcakes were frosted, Kitty and I were ready to be done cooking and to go shopping at the Dollar Tree. Our limit-ten dollars. Kitty picked out the tablecloth, paper plates and napkins. She chose the butterfly tablecloth whereas I probably would have chosen the hummingbirds. In the moment she said, "Butterflies" I realized once again that I needed to stop asking, "Which one do you want?" hoping that she will choose the one I liked then feeling disappointment when she didn't. I quickly asked myself, "Does it matter to me not to have the hummingbirds?" "No, not enough to make Kitty feel bad" so butterflies it was. Kitty picked out a table favor/toy for herself, a stuffed bunny and a frisbee for her brother, Raccoon. Then Mom, Kitty and I all picked out helium balloons and one for Raccoon too.
The next day I puttered around the house by myself getting ready for my birthday luncheon. The decorations were simple but looked festive. My son-in-law cooked the shrimp Ecuadorian style. My daughter cooked the home made french fries. Earlier I had put BBQ wings to cook in the oven, as well as some asparagus. I forgot the rice which was sad as it is the perfect compliment to the shrimp. (For supper, I cooked myself some rice and some more shrimp to add to the remaining sauce and indulged again.)
As we all sat around the table, a rare occasion these days, I was happy. We chatted. We were together. For a moment in time, all was peaceful, the outside world was forgotten. It was one of the best celebrations ever. Partly because I was with family; partly because I had found my voice in a mature, balanced way. I had been able to initiate and see to fruition the things that I valued: cooking and shopping with Kitty, saying no to other commitments so I had time to get ready, then sharing a meal seated at the table together with pretty decorations.
Somehow the singing of "Happy Birthday" and the making a wish before blowing out the candles never happened. It made a slight shadow on an otherwise perfect day. As Raccoon and Kitty were getting into the car and saying good-byes, me, the ever hovering Grama was yapping on about holding tight to their helium balloons as a stiff breeze was blowing.
Raccoon's balloon got wedged between the door and the car and he pulled to get it inside. Instead it sprang loose and instantly rose dancing away higher and higher. At his momentary exclamation of surprise and disappointment, I started to apologize and assume responsibility for its loss. Then I reprimanded myself sharply and said "No, it is not your fault. You warned them to be careful and he wasn't. Stop thinking, "I should have". Stop assuming responsibility for something that isn't your fault. I let the guilt go as quickly as it appeared. Instead I lifted my face upwards, savoring the peace that resettled itself in my spirit, watching the balloon drift away, dancing tantalizing low before surging upwards again. My daughter beside me said, "Make a wish!" And I did. To hang onto and choose the peace that was more and more my constant companion.
Adventure One-Advocating for myself in an acceptable way. Refusing Guilt that wasn't mine. Spending a red letter day with family on my 63rd Birthday.
PS. My children had talked about doing something special for my birthday but then stopped because we had made plans to get away. My daughter enjoys planning parties and surprises but until recently we have not lived near one another.
The next day, my actual birthday, my daughter and I had a leisurely chat in the morning catching up. For lunch my husband and I went into town to our favorite fish and chip restaurant, already coronavirus closed but taking curb side orders. So after ordering by phone, we waited in the car for our lunch to be delivered to us. We ate it looking out over the Chehalis River. Afterwards, we drove to the beach and Grace, our dog, and I enjoyed a short walk on the beach before heading home. Watching her run full tilt, wide grin on her face, always brings me joy. That and my chickens, flattened to the ground, sunbathing in the mole hill dirt in the middle of the lawn.
I have spent the bulk of my life doing for others. In many areas of my life, I am not very good at doing for myself. For the past few years, I have been finding my voice. Not a musical one but a voice that is able to express my needs, and wants and desires. A voice that integrates the needs of others with my own. A voice that advocates for myself and understands that being last or silent is not always a virtue.
As with most things in life it is a delicate balance between becoming too self-centered and selfish and doing what others want, pretending that it doesn't matter when it does. It is a balance between advocating for your own needs and sacrificing them so the needs of someone else may be met. I hope I am maturing and becoming more skilled at achieving this balance. However I do know that in the learning, the pendulum has swung wildly from one extreme to the other. One moment not caring what anyone thinks and just doing; the next contrite and subservient pushing down all thoughts of me and what I want.
As already stated in the prologue, the overnight outing planned for my 63rd birthday was cancelled just days before my birthday. The result was a bad day of wallowing in self-pity and discouragement. My mind immediately jumped to other occasions that are often marked with celebrations: twenty-fifth or fortieth wedding anniversaries, or fortieth or fiftieth birthdays. There had been some talk along the way but none of it materialized; no surprise parties to mark the occasions. Woe is me!!!
Lying awake in the middle of the night because I had indulged in a huge dish of caffeine ladened chocolate ice cream earlier in the evening, I had the brilliant idea, I will give myself a party. It started out with a few friends that rapidly grew into inviting the whole church as I didn't want anyone to feel left out. I am the pastor's wife after all and didn't want to create a situation by playing favorites. As I tossed and turned, I thought about the food, and decorations, and other party details. Finally sleep claimed my weary body.
In the morning with the increasing spread of the coronavirus and a husband with a suppressed immune system, I knew deep down that the party was not going to happen. It took me a couple of days however to admit it to myself and to move on to plan B. I asked myself, "What do I value?" "What would make me happy on my birthday?" The answer actually was very simple: being with family. As my daughter is the only one living close by that meant planning something with her, her husband and two children. And so we set a date for a family luncheon.
I ignored the twinge of self-pity that I was planning my own party and set about organizing the things that I wanted. I bought two mixes: a GF cupcake one and a brownie one, my granddaughter's favorite. I called my daughter and we arranged a time for me to cook with Kitty. Packing my supplies as my daughter doesn't bake much, I drove into town. Kitty and I and llama with her paper towel apron neatly tucked around her, cracked eggs, measured oil, and mixed. Before long the tantalizing smell of baking cupcakes filled the kitchen followed by that of brownie cupcakes. Her invention, brownie mix in pretty cupcake liners, and her all time favorite thing to cook.
By the time the cupcakes were frosted, Kitty and I were ready to be done cooking and to go shopping at the Dollar Tree. Our limit-ten dollars. Kitty picked out the tablecloth, paper plates and napkins. She chose the butterfly tablecloth whereas I probably would have chosen the hummingbirds. In the moment she said, "Butterflies" I realized once again that I needed to stop asking, "Which one do you want?" hoping that she will choose the one I liked then feeling disappointment when she didn't. I quickly asked myself, "Does it matter to me not to have the hummingbirds?" "No, not enough to make Kitty feel bad" so butterflies it was. Kitty picked out a table favor/toy for herself, a stuffed bunny and a frisbee for her brother, Raccoon. Then Mom, Kitty and I all picked out helium balloons and one for Raccoon too.
The next day I puttered around the house by myself getting ready for my birthday luncheon. The decorations were simple but looked festive. My son-in-law cooked the shrimp Ecuadorian style. My daughter cooked the home made french fries. Earlier I had put BBQ wings to cook in the oven, as well as some asparagus. I forgot the rice which was sad as it is the perfect compliment to the shrimp. (For supper, I cooked myself some rice and some more shrimp to add to the remaining sauce and indulged again.)
As we all sat around the table, a rare occasion these days, I was happy. We chatted. We were together. For a moment in time, all was peaceful, the outside world was forgotten. It was one of the best celebrations ever. Partly because I was with family; partly because I had found my voice in a mature, balanced way. I had been able to initiate and see to fruition the things that I valued: cooking and shopping with Kitty, saying no to other commitments so I had time to get ready, then sharing a meal seated at the table together with pretty decorations.
Somehow the singing of "Happy Birthday" and the making a wish before blowing out the candles never happened. It made a slight shadow on an otherwise perfect day. As Raccoon and Kitty were getting into the car and saying good-byes, me, the ever hovering Grama was yapping on about holding tight to their helium balloons as a stiff breeze was blowing.
Raccoon's balloon got wedged between the door and the car and he pulled to get it inside. Instead it sprang loose and instantly rose dancing away higher and higher. At his momentary exclamation of surprise and disappointment, I started to apologize and assume responsibility for its loss. Then I reprimanded myself sharply and said "No, it is not your fault. You warned them to be careful and he wasn't. Stop thinking, "I should have". Stop assuming responsibility for something that isn't your fault. I let the guilt go as quickly as it appeared. Instead I lifted my face upwards, savoring the peace that resettled itself in my spirit, watching the balloon drift away, dancing tantalizing low before surging upwards again. My daughter beside me said, "Make a wish!" And I did. To hang onto and choose the peace that was more and more my constant companion.
Adventure One-Advocating for myself in an acceptable way. Refusing Guilt that wasn't mine. Spending a red letter day with family on my 63rd Birthday.
PS. My children had talked about doing something special for my birthday but then stopped because we had made plans to get away. My daughter enjoys planning parties and surprises but until recently we have not lived near one another.
The next day, my actual birthday, my daughter and I had a leisurely chat in the morning catching up. For lunch my husband and I went into town to our favorite fish and chip restaurant, already coronavirus closed but taking curb side orders. So after ordering by phone, we waited in the car for our lunch to be delivered to us. We ate it looking out over the Chehalis River. Afterwards, we drove to the beach and Grace, our dog, and I enjoyed a short walk on the beach before heading home. Watching her run full tilt, wide grin on her face, always brings me joy. That and my chickens, flattened to the ground, sunbathing in the mole hill dirt in the middle of the lawn.
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